Rule 10 of 22 · Chapter III — On Other People
Give people the more generous story
Why this rule exists
Most slights are not aimed at you. People are tired, distracted, or fighting something you cannot see. Assuming the worst is expensive: it sours the relationship, invites a defensive reply, and is usually just wrong. The generous story costs nothing and turns out to be right far more often than not.
In practice
Before you respond to something that stung, write down the kindest plausible reason it happened. Then send the reply you would want to receive on your own worst day. If the generous story turns out to be wrong, you can always address it later — calmly, and with the facts in hand.
When it doesn't apply
Generosity is not the same as ignoring a pattern. When the same thing happens again and again, believe the pattern over the story. Good faith and firm boundaries are not opposites — you need both.
Related rules in this book
Sources
- Meditations, Book II — Aurelius, M. — on assuming the ignorance, rather than the malice, of others.
- A personal note — A personal rule, held loosely and revised more than once after getting it wrong.